


You Are Never Alone ( We Are Always Together )

by MeAndKyun



Series: Inured [1]
Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: An attempt at fluff but isn't, Angst, Attempt to manipulate but instant regret, Dom Park Seonghwa, Eating Disorders, Food, Gruesome bathroom stuff; lads, Hongjoong appears for a sec, Hurt/Comfort, I am sorry in advance, I'M SCREAMING, It's really just SeongSang, M/M, Oral Fixation, Pet Names, Self projection, Seonghwa is good to a fault, Seonghwa is perceptive but not the scary way, Sub Kang Yeosang, Subspace, That vlive admittance crossed my mind while wrtiting, This is how I personally see Yeosang, This was supposed to be only fluff but it reeled off, Trust Issues, Yeosang cries A LOT, Yeosang is complicated, Yunho really is an enigma for me, but he is only mentioned in passing, he is a babie, lying, mentioned Wooyoung - Freeform, no beta we die like men, ok?, physical and emotional, questioning ulterior motives and all that jazz, so personal point of view alone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-05
Updated: 2020-06-05
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:20:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24558298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MeAndKyun/pseuds/MeAndKyun
Summary: Seonghwa couldn’t bring himself to be offended by how he wasn’t offered trust when it could be the only thing he would ask for if he asked for anything at all.Sometimes, it was no easy task to rid oneself of habits and he understood what was behind all the apprehension and dread tainting Yeosang’s mind.“Please, angel. Am I so undeserving of seeing your face?” That made Yeosang’s breath hitch.
Relationships: Kang Yeosang & Park Seonghwa, Kang Yeosang/Park Seonghwa
Series: Inured [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1835956
Comments: 6
Kudos: 64





	You Are Never Alone ( We Are Always Together )

**Author's Note:**

> Read the tags, I beg of you.
> 
> Do. Not. Read. If. You. Are. Sensitive. To. The mention of. Food.
> 
> This is heavy content and the way Yeosang is depicted is complex as I find him multidimensional, beyond 12D, really. He is of a few words but it is understandable. We can agree that he thinks relatively more.
> 
> Inspired by an episode of mine that wrote itself when all I wanted was to have cuddly Yeosang and Seonghwa to take care of him but that flopped and I ended up with 6K of angst and.. I have regrets.  
> Also, if any of the tags is missing, let me now, please.
> 
> The title is from Intro: We Are Here by my boys Monsta X.
> 
> Obviously, song recommendation is Dazzling Light because this whole mess was powered through by that song alone.
> 
> Enjoy, lovelies~~

Yeosang was sick. He could feel it the moment he woke up. His mouth was dry and his throat felt like sandpaper each time he gulped, but most importantly, his stomach was aching mercilessly.

Was it necessary to be this weak at the break of dawn? No. And he certainly has not been expecting it. He should have seen it coming though. He brought it to himself after all and Hongjoong would kill him if he skips the dance practice they had scheduled that morning.

He groaned when his stomach did a particularly painful churn, contracting and relaxing only to start again and leaving him out of breath.  
It hurt. It hurt so much and he could only curl in on himself and try to breath slowly to not use his abdominal muscles much and upset his stomach more than it already was.

He blindly reached out for his phone to check for the time. It was 4am. He only managed to sleep for an hour.

Damn it.

He gasped, letting go of his phone that ended up tipping over the edge of the bed and clanked loudly on the wooden floor to his and Wooyoung's bedroom. The latter only stirred but didn't wake up. Thankfully.

His guts felt like they were being twisted and ripped and that was not good. He was sweating too much so suddenly and the pain became too unbearable.

Through his sleepy haze, he acknowledged the need to go to the bathroom for reasons obvious. His body has been protesting and even woke him up from his sleep because he's been too careless with it. He needed to empty his stomach of whatever ugly mixture of bananas dipped in chocolate and coffee that he had right before bed.

Not anyone but himself needed to know of his indulgence in anything that caught his eye in the kitchen when no one was looking. His last night's escapade though, that had gone down hill. Maybe quite too literally as he was indeed kneeling down before the toilet bowl retching every time his stomach twisted too painfully. He didn't succeed in emptying it quickly because he had been kneeling there long enough for his knees to start bruising and he was already crying because of how miserable he felt.

Trying to stand up because the skin on his knees was beginning to feel raw, he gripped the edges of the toilet bowl and pulled himself up.

Maybe the change of position made it work eventually, but as he began to straighten up, his upper body that was bent forward was now stuck like that as bile shot up and he was regurgitating even an uglier mix of what he consumed earlier.

Between the fight to breath, the one to cry and that to empty his stomach, he failed to notice that someone else was in the bathroom with him because of course he forgot to lock the door.

"Yeosang?"

He startled as his name was called, cursing when another wave of pain washed over him and he leaned forward again to finish his business.

Thankfully, it didn't take longer and he was left with nothing else to vomit, otherwise Seonghwa would have had to watch whatever horrific image he was displaying by being a mess on the tiled floor of the bathroom.

Wordlessly, the eldest helped him over to the sink. His large hands were splayed over his hips to keep him up when his knees almost gave out.

Why was he so weak?

He cleaned up, not daring to look at his face in the mirror.

"Let me." Seonghwa turned him around to dab his face and neck dry with a towel. "You're sweating so much but so pale, Sangie." He was aware of the sweat collecting over his brows that Seonghwa kept trying to wipe.

"..can't.." He was beginning to see stars standing so vertically like that. His hand found the eldest's upper arm and gripped it for support with whatever strength he had left. "Hwa, need to lay down.."

Seonghwa was quick to respond, lifting his body up like he weighed nothing and moving out of the bathroom and back into his room to lay him on the bed. Neither took note of Wooyoung's absence from the room.

He brushed Yeosang's wet bangs back, running his lean fingers through the blond strands of his hair and watched as his eyelids fluttered shut. His face was peaceful momentarily only for his expression to contort into one akin to pain and he curled up his body, breathing heavily.

"Hey, Sangie," said boy was whimpering. "Tell me what's wrong, baby, so I can help."

" 's fine.." the blond breathed out. "think I had.. wrong chocolate." He was certain now that he did.

Seonghwa furrowed his brows at that statement. He caressed Yeosang's cheek, leaning closer so he could make sure. "Baby, you had the wrong chocolate, is that what you said?" He watched the younger nod slowly.

Oh God. How could that have happened?

Yeosang was pretty known to have a sweet tooth. Be it sweets, jelly bears, fruits smoothies or tarts. You name it. Chocolate was the most pleasurable of all treats for other people but that was a big red sign indicating danger when it came to him. He could indulge in devouring any type of sweets but three. No caramel, and no white or hazelnut chocolate. Those three were not guilty pleasures at all, those were bad foods for him.

Having him admit to Seonghwa that he picked the wrong chocolate sent the eldest into panic because he was there that one time on Jongho's birthday when things went downhill because of a simple cake that would have been safe had it not been with caramel frosting.

Yeosang must have noticed his panic because he was reaching out to hold his hand mouthing "it's fine, hyung."

Seonghwa sighed and sat down on the floor near Yeosang's bed and kept their hands laced. His free one found the blond's abdomen and started rubbing it slowly like he knew he enjoyed it. And Yeosang did, if the content sigh was any clue.

They stayed like that for quite some time, enough for Seonghwa to whisper reassurances whenever he felt Yeosang tighten the hold on his hand.

"Do you want anything, Sangie?" Seonghwa asked when Yeosang kept staring off into space after explaining that he was no longer in pain and why he was at that. Emptying his stomach meant he got rid of all the hazelnut chocolate he had.  
Yeosang shook his head.  
"What about some warm milk?" Seonghwa tried after Yeosang had refused to drink water and any other thing he offered him.

It wasn't that Yeosang wasn't feeling weak, the argument which his hyung kept bringing up to make him put something in his system, he currently hated anything that was food.

It was a wrong choice of dipping chocolate from the stack they had but it was him that wasn't paying attention to all that he had that night. No one needed to know, though.

Seonghwa didn't need to know that he had lost himself in the kitchen and all the delicacies it hosted. Lost his awareness and self control to something as simple as cravings and ended up with a hot cup of coffee at 3am like it was the next normal thing to do.

He's been fine hiding everything from everyone for years. Even Wooyoung, his best friend for 6 years didn't know what he's been keeping a secret for so long because he was good at not raising suspicion. 

When was the last time anybody gave him their unwavering attention?  
He was an expert at blending with the background thereby turning invisible. No one notices him more than needed. If he fails to make them do so in anyway, others will think he needs care and start paying attention to him more than he could handle and that feeds on the freedom he has to do as he pleases without being monitored.

He couldn’t afford to worry Seonghwa of all people.

It wasn’t that all his members didn’t care for one another and worry about their well-being. They did and it was appreciated of course. However, showing any signs of even the slightest bit of being unwell to Seonghwa meant that Yeosang will have him on his back for the next couple of weeks. No jolly news there. He would be smothered by attention and care to the point where it would suffocate him. He does blush quite easily if Wooyoung stares at him when he speaks, or if Yunho wipes the crumbs off the corners of his mouth because he is that messy, or if San goes off complimenting him for no apparent reason except for him thinking that Yeosang needs to hear it.  
Now that he caught Seonghwa’s attention, he won’t be able to escape his watchful eyes easily. He will still try, for the sake keeping this one thing to himself. It was his shameful secret and he couldn’t imagine just how disgusted his seven friends would be if they knew.

They have been together for three years and he was too good at hiding the real reason why he needs to sleep early on the nights he doesn’t have dinner with them and excuse himself to the bathroom right after to take that shower he needed after the long day of practice, or so he tells them. No lie in that, just not the whole truth that they are better off not knowing.

Didn’t he read that hiding the truth was considered lying because it was with the intention of deceiving?

He still believes that it’s better if they don’t know the whole of it. He can’t have them disappointed in him.

There was a pattern in everything he does even if it looked whimsical and random. He was like that, unorganized, chaotic but executes things orderly. He finds order in chaos. And he has been so glad that no one took the time to observe him since they all were too tired in the end of the day. They couldn’t question him about what he does on the daily if they didn’t know what was going on. They didn’t even have a chance to ask what was wrong because they didn’t notice anything anyways. No one could see what was wrong since they didn’t know what to look for to begin with. All he has to do now is keep it like that. Suspicion and worry at null.

It was an ugly thing to do, but since Seonghwa was like a mother hen and would try incessantly until he deems him taken care of, all he needed to do was give him that impression, that he indeed was of help to him.

Yeosang was aware that it is manipulative but once Seonghwa feels good about himself through looking after him, he will stop worrying. He simply needs to give him what he wants, let him be there for him because he was sick and all would be good.

“I don’t want to risk making it hurt again. I’d be satisfied with it empty and you laying next to me until morning, maybe then you could make me breakfast.”

Because in theory, Yeosang likes clinging to his hyung whenever he wasn’t feeling well and Seonghwa was always glad to hold him until he could fall asleep. Yeosang did feel like clinging to him and seeing Seonghwa smile at him so brightly, he was sure he was ready to comply happily.

The hand that was rubbing his abdomen left him briefly and before he could miss it, Senghwa’s whole body was engulfing him in its warmth.  
As he spooned Yeosang’s petite frame with his, Seonghwa made sure to drape his arm over his waist and went back to rubbing his stomach gently. 

He could see that the younger was blinking blearily but somehow kept himself awake by force of will alone. He always found it a hassle to get Yeosang to sleep when he was busy thinking. He tried to ask before about what was on his mind but the answer had always been the same, “Nothing, hyung.”

He doubted that was true. He knew that Yeosang answered that only to not worry him. He knew that Yeosang found it particularly hard to voice out his worries so he chose not to address them when using words became a hard task.

With refusal to talk about things came the burden of having to deal with things on his own. Yeosang was driving himself to a corner and it was only a matter of time till he breaks before Seonghwa’s eyes. He could not tell what the problem was, he just knew that things can’t be as good as Yeosang claims them to be. Maybe they were. Oh how Seonghwa hoped for the best for all his members. But for how long could it last really, this ‘all good’ state that Yeosang keeps holding onto? Right, it couldn’t possibly last him all these years that they have known each other.

Seonghwa wasn’t known for being one to quit easily. Not at all and not when it involved his loved ones.

If Yeosang chose to keep quiet then he can have all the time he needs to open up and in the meantime, he will have Seonghwa by his side whenever he needed him. Even if he didn’t verbalize it, Seonghwa will just be there however he could. And right now, Yeosang was lost in his head instead of catching up to the sleep he lost.

“Hwa…” Yeosang’s voice was usually very low. In timber and in volume. But the way he had called out to Seonghwa was very different from usual. His hoarse voice was shaking and small, a barely there whisper but Seonghwa heard it as it was too quiet around them.

“Angel?” Yeosang had his back pressed to his chest which was why Seonghwa couldn’t see his face clearly. He opted to turning him around so that Yeosang could lay on his chest. He cradled Yeosang’s beautiful face in his hands and it was only then that he could make out his brown eyes that were shining like a candle flame swaying in the breeze with the way the soft light of the nightstand lamp reflected in his teary eyes and made them glimmer so prettily and painfully that it made Seonghwa’s heart clench.

Yeosang’s face crumpled as he called his hyung’s name another time and he squeezed his eyes shut. Tears rolled freely down his cheeks, his bottom lip was between his teeth to not allow any noise to escape.

Senghwa momentarily panicked at the sight before him. Yeosang looked hurt, so sorrowful that it made his jaw drop in a silent gasp and before he could do anything, Yeosang dropped his head low, breaking free from Seonghwa’s hold to bury his face in his chest as he let out quiet sobs.

It happened too quickly for him to respond and comfort the younger but the moment he registered what was going on around him, that Yeosang was wetting his hoodie with his precious tears as he gasped for air and fought to not let out any noise that could disturb the people sleeping, he sat up slowly and brought Yeosang up with him. Yeosang that tried to curl into a ball and was whimpering pitifully despite him trying his best not to. He pulled him onto his lap and carefully untangled his limbs to curl them around his waist and neck. He could see how much pain Yeosang was in, the way he was tightening his hold around him the more he spilled his tears. 

Seonghwa felt his heart tear with the broken cries and muffled whimpers that the younger was letting out into the crook of his neck. He hated whatever it was that hurt him that much. Nevertheless, it was better to have Yeosang let it out. He was thankful that he did so in his presence and he made sure that the younger knew that.

“Baby, please don’t say that. Don't apologize to me for hurting.” He didn’t mean to make Yeosang cry harder or start apologizing. The younger kept murmuring apologies and other undecipherable things and Seonghwa wished he could make out the words. “Please talk to me. When you're hurting, I'm hurting because I don't want to see you in pain and I can’t take it away when you keep hiding.” Seonghwa pressed a tender kiss to the top of Yeosang's head, it was all he could reach so he had to shift and unveil the teary faced Yeosang and his eyes that kept avoiding his. “Please, beautiful, look at me.” Yeosang shook his head, more tears fell and Seonghwa was quick to kiss them away. “Please, Angel. Am I so undeserving of seeing your face?” That made Yeosang’s breath hitch.

“H-Hyung, n-no..” He shook his head. Seonghwa cradled his face in his palms and wiped his wet cheeks. “N-no you deserve… hyungie you deserve better than me and I- Hwa I keep messing up things and keep doing them wrong-- same mistakes..” He wished he could tell him more but his lungs were protesting as he struggled to fuel them with air. He was torn between listening to Seonghwa’s request to look at him and accepting all the warmth he was offering him and rejecting to do so because he was the one undeserving of having Seonghwa as a whole.

How could he keep taking and not giving back an ounce of what his hyung provides him. From care to warmth to support and praise when he did nothing to merit such treatment, nothing to reciprocate such kindness.

Seonghwa had the biggest and most genuine heart out of all the people he had met in his lifetime. His altruism was inspiring. Had Yeosang not been so selfish and dishonest that he told unforgivable lies and made mistakes that could not be undone, all since day one, he could have tried to show Seonghwa how he had the utmost right to have the world and he would be the one giving it. He could have accepted all that the eldest kept doing for him without feeling so terrible about every kind word that was meant to warm his heart and every gesture that tried to pull him closer only pushed him away.

Because all of it was not for his ilks. He couldn’t take any of it no matter how enticing Seonghwa made it look.

It didn’t matter to him that his night had been a rough one, he just didn’t deserve to be treated like he was made of glass after waking his hyung from sleep and disturbing his rest.

As if electrocuted, Yeosang pulled away from Seonghwa. His chest was heaving and he was looking at anything but the boy right in front of him that was watching him with eyes blown wide.

Seeing Yeosang look all around him and then stopping with his eyes glued on the door that was slightly ajar gave Seonghwa a clue of what was actually going on, and this time he was quick to react accordingly. Because as Yeosang was about to scoot down and off his bed, the other boy moved so swiftly that the next thing he registered was that he was pinned by Seonghwa’s body that was pressing him down to the mattress.

“Baby bunny, please stay.”

Maybe Seonghwa underestimated the impact of his words on Yeosang. He just wanted for the younger to stay with him. Again, he didn't mean to make him cry and it wasn't in his intention to restrict him from moving as he pleases but it was so he could listen to him.

He made sure to make that known to the other. Yeosang nodded for him to go on when he asked if he could give him some time and listen to what he wanted to say.

His tears were still spilling, wetting his temples and getting caught in his golden strands painting them a darker shade. Seonghwa leaned a bit forward to press a kiss on the birthmark by his left eye and he shuddered, letting his eyelids flutter shut when those silky lips lingered on his skin. 

“Yeosang, baby, you’re gorgeous.” He met Seonghwa’s hard gaze when his eyes finally opened and he was taken aback by the amount of conviction his voice and gaze combined emitted. “You are beautiful inside and out and I am ready to show you just how much you mean to me. Even if you don’t believe me now, I want you to know that you are worthy of all the goodness that the world has to offer.” Yeosang let out a sob, shaking his head as if to dismiss those words that he found hard to grasp.

Not true. Not true.

Seonghwa moved to kiss his other temple. “My beautiful angel, beating yourself up over something you did is not the best way to deal with it. Making mistakes is not a thing that happens all the time just like doing good all the time doesn’t. It is learning from the mistakes made that is important and making the effort to correct them is a noble deed.” He nosed at his cheek as he kissed along his jaw and stopped to speak the next words directly into his ear. “Your worth is not determined by what you once did or keep doing. I see you and all I want is for you to realize that I can’t imagine a life that you aren’t a part of. You are the best I could ask for, the best thing that ever happened to me and I deserve you as much as you deserve me.” Each statement was punctuated by a kiss below his ear, on the shell and along his neck.

Seonghwa shifted to support his weight with his forearms on either side of Yeosang's face. He blinked down at the smaller boy and the sight he was greeted with made his heart stutter in his ribcage. He ceased breathing and moving, too afraid that the smallest of movements would make the ethereal apparition below him dissolve. Like the ripples on a previously still waters of a pond, one that reflected a mesmerizing autumn scenery of a withering platan, gone with the fall of a darkened and lifeless leaf on the perfectly still mirror.

Seonghwa was entranced.  
How could he not?

He was staring at the most beautiful boy to have walked the surface of the earth. With his long blond hair and pale skin, both a little wet with the tears that wouldn't stop spilling from those captivating hazelnut eyes that opened to stare back at him, shimmering and red-rimmed and so so sad. His long lashes, wet and clamped fanned over his flushed cheeks with every blink. His eyebrows were furrowed to display pain, the same pain that crawled from within his chest and parted his lips for an escape in the form of whimpers, gut wrenching sobs, shaky breaths.. and Seonghwa couldn't take it anymore.

"Please.." Seonghwa really couldn't take how wrecked was Yeosang's voice as he begged for what? He couldn't fathom. "Hwa, I need- hyung h-hold...hold me please.." He was choking on his very own words but Seonghwa heard it right and that was all it took for him to lower his body on Yeosang's, spreading over him like a protective blanket and falling to his side before he crushed him completely. He laced his arms around Yeosang and tangled their legs to bring him even closer.

Within that proximity he could feel the way Yeosang had his heart galloping and his hot breaths on his neck, the hands fisting his hoodie from behind and how the fabric tightened around his torso as a result. His own grip tightened around the blond's small waist, thumb rubbing soothing circles on the protruding hip bone and back up his side for a gentle caress.

Seonghwa kept his touches soft but grounding enough for as long as it took for Yeosang to stop crying and eventually he did. The broken sobs were reduced to whimpers and sniffles until his breaths evened out. He could tell that Yeosang hadn't fallen asleep yet. Maybe his body was no longer shaking but he wasn't still at all. On the contrary, he kept fidgeting restlessly but didn't make any attempt to move from where had his face buried in the crook of Seonghwa's neck. The eldest of the two knew that he was worrying over how to phrase the words that wouldn’t come out easily. 

There wasn’t an explanation that Seonghwa needed from the other to make out why his night was a bad one or a clarification for the state he had found him in an hour prior to his breakdown. Seonghwa merely wished to be there for Yeosang and he did as best as he could to provide the utmost comfort without prying because if there was one thing he had learned in his almost twenty two years of age, it was that the questions could always wait for later when the matters at hand needed taking care of and it didn’t matter to him for how long it took until they were indeed taken care. Things made sense eventually and he could afford to be patient until then. 

Maybe he didn’t know what was going on with the younger boy but he knew Yeosang enough and that was all that mattered to him for he could still do with his body language and well, he hadn’t stilled yet.

“Yeosang,” Seonghwa made it so his voice would come out equal parts gentle and firm to neither scare the adressed boy nor fail to be heard by him. He needed him to stop worrying about things beyond feeling better.

“Hyung?” even the way he called out to him was hesitant. He was too lost in his head. Seonghwa could make out that much.

“Sangie, you are aware that I am not asking any questions, yeah?” Yeosang shifted again over his chest, gripping Seonghwa’s hoodie tighter and attempting to hide himself by fusing with the fabric. His fist met his own lips as he hummed a response. It made Seonghwa frown at the ceiling above them.

He could deal with that.

Craning his neck just a bit forward, Seonghwa let his own lips touch the velvety skin of Yeosang’s delicate fingers to press the softest of kisses there.  
“Use your words instead, Angel?” He pressed a last kiss on Yeosang’s knuckles. “I would appreciate it if you did.”

The younger boy freed the fabric he’s been gripping and swallowed thickly. “You aren’t, hyung.” he murmured lowly, pink lips no longer veiled by his hand. 

Seonghwa nodded, “Good, because you don’t owe me anything. Not even an explanation.” He could see the crease form between Yeosang’s eyebrows, like he couldn’t understand what was being said to him. “I am here because I want to be and since you are in need for a company I can very much provide, I am staying. I won’t charge you anything. That’s not what we are and you know it but I still need to remind you.” They were back to their initial position from when Seonghwa first joined Yeosang on his bed. Him laying on his back with the younger boy curled by his side with half his small body atop his chest. Seonghwa needed to make sure he was heard clearly, not for no reason but for Yeosang to focus on more important things. Like breathing, which he paused from doing when Seonghwa stopped talking. It was very much like he was waiting for the other shoe to drop, with his doubt for anything that people around him did. Seonghwa couldn’t bring himself to be offended by how he wasn’t offered trust when it could be the only thing he would ask for if he asked for anything at all. Sometimes, it was no easy task to rid oneself of habits and he understood what was behind all the apprehension and dread tainting Yeosang’s mind. 

They managed one time, he and the other members, to get Yeosang to admit that it was almost unbelievable to him that a human being was capable of being genuine. Such quality, Yeosang had said, was more fitting for the purer creations in the world and people were assuredly impure. San had pouted since it was because of him that that specific topic was brought up. Yeosang had also said that it was hard for him to grasp how the seven trainees he met, his best friend included, were as impossibly good as they were. He observed them for so long until he couldn’t but accept that the way they were was indeed what their cores emitted. Seonghwa remembers the bedazzled smile that Yeosang directed towards Yunho before stating that his very being made it harder for him to abstain from questioning the limits of authenticity if humans had any because, “Really, Yunho, you specifically have no such boundaries and it scared me to no end but you are partially the reason that now I believe in the existence of such thing within people. You make it look effortless, that’s why.” Seonghwa thought it was both the problem and the solution by itself.

They helped him see that there were things in life that he doesn’t have to pay for on the daily with a fragment of his sanity, that there were things only very few chosen ones can provide like a package deal once he has them in his life. They smile at him just because his face makes them happy. They offer him the last bit of their meal just because they felt like sharing with someone special. They drag him to a group hug, include him in a conversation and suggest he sleeps with their favourite plush toy for the night he feels unwell just because they care for him that much. Just so he feels better. Just because they wish for his safety. No price tags on each kind gesture no matter how much it did not sit well with him and made him itch to respond with a ‘thank you’ and an ‘I will make it up for you, hyung’.

“I’m afraid I can only take your gratitude here, beautiful.” Seonghwa smoothed his thumb over Yeosang’s taut jaw, rubbing small circles until he took notice of the way it was set from tension. He watched how Yeosang opted to biting his lower lip instead and drained it from color almost instantly, his tongue coming out to wet the soft skin and drag it inward to be bitten once more. “Here,” he dragged the pad of his thumb across Yeosang’s mouth. The youngest obeyed by releasing his lip and looking up at him to ask for permission. His lip was already bloodied. Seonghwa swallowed the sigh that threatened to escape and nodded with a smile.

The low whimper accompanied by the wet heat that engulfed his middle and pointer finger were all too familiar for him as he allowed Yeosang to bask in the comfort it brought to him to let his tongue rub the length of his digits and his round-edged teeth to graze his skin as long as he didn’t bite.

“Bunny, I still need you to listen to what I have to say. Can you stay with me?”

The long lashes of Yeosang’s eyes fluttered open per Seonghwa’ request. His brown orbs stared up at the eldest as he nodded firmly and he released Seonhwa’s finger with a pop, a string of saliva connecting them to his lips that he took no notice of and instead opened his mouth to verbalize a confirmation that he will listen.

Seonghwa found it endearing, how his droopy eyes blinked up at him, cat-like and entrancing despite him on the edge of sinking into his headspace but staying since he requested it.

“Thank you, love.” He patted Yeosang’s head, a small smile painted his lips at that. “I know you wish for a better way to show how thankful you are but I want your presence with me. Nothing better and nothing else. Just you, all of you for as long as you would allow me to have you.” That smile was wiped from Yeosang’s face as quick as it was there. He looked crestfallen in an instant.

“But I’m not good for you, hyung.” His lips quivered and he made to bite at them to keep them from trembling but Seonghwa placed his thumb over them instead, carefully as to not press the cut that his teeth had made. 

“You are so good for me just the way you are, Yeosang. Do you understand that?” His firm tone startled the younger boy. “If you are displeased with yourself over a mistake you did then do what makes you feel good about yourself and correct it.” He let his fingers run through Yeosang’s hair as an apology for scaring him. “You can do anything you please, be anything you wish to be if your current self does not appeal to you as much as what you believe you can become. I believe in you and I can see how much room there is for improvement given that you stop thinking that you cannot be anything beyond your mistakes.” He cupped Yeosang’s cheeks in his hands and lifted his head up so he could look at him in the eyes. “You are so much more than that and I love you for you. Simple as that.” He pulled the younger boy in closer to him so he could place a gentle kiss on his forehead. When he retreated, Yeosang was looking at him with such sad teary eyes.

“Seonghwa, it’s..” he swallowed the lump forming in his stomach and shook his head. “I understand what you said but it’s not easy, hyung. It’s hard to make such decision to change the way I do things because a lot is involved and it’s too complicated to unravel on my own. I’ve tried but nothing worked for me.” Yeosang was tired of crying but his tears were nowhere near drying soon.

His thoughts were all over how he keeps hiding pieces of himself from his friends, how they would disown him if they knew of his secrets, how he wished for them to keep him and not throw him away because he was rotten to the core unlike them who were so perfectly pure.

“Baby, it is going to be inevitably difficult and tiring but I will be there for you though and through. No. We’ll all be there for you no matter what because there is no way to leave anyone behind who needs help when it’s easier to work and just be together.” Again, Yeosang was shaking his head again and not looking at Seonghwa. “Why, Sangie? What is it?”

“Not this, Hwa.” The force with which his body was shaking was scaring Seonghwa. He laced his arms around Yeosang and hugged him tight.

“I only care about the part that it involves you. It can be whatever and I can still promise you that I will be there for you.”

His thoughts were too loud. Yeosang was laying right there in Seonghwa’s embrace trying to filter his words in but all he could perceive was being left alone. A fear much more vivid than the reality he was living and he hated how he couldn’t bring himself to snap out of it no matter how much he wanted to pull at his hair. He couldn’t stop crying and shaking so much that he eventually found it hard to even breath as the thoughts finally pulled him into the pitch blackness of his head that took over his insides all the way and compressed his lungs.

His ears were ringing loudly but he managed to hear it. Seonghwa was calling for him without a stop and begging for him to.. breathe?

“..Sang just breathe. Please. You can do it.” He looked down at his own chest to see why he couldn’t just do it. His lungs were burning so why couldn’t he? He expected to see a heavy weight on top of his chest as that would explain it, but all that was there was Seonghwa’s hand. His fingers splayed and palm flattened over his chest as he pressed gently like he usually did when Yeosang chokes on his drink because Wooyoung was being silly. 

“Hwa.. ?” he blinked away the haziness that wrapped around his mind.

“I am right here, baby. Keep breathing for me, please.” He hummed a response and tried to do as told but it proved to be harder than he thought. He tightened his grip on whatever it is that he was clutching and coughed. Seonghwa’s hand that was gripping his held in firmly until he could take in a gulp of air without choking. “Are you ok?”

Yeosang nodded, “ ‘m fine,” despite his voice being a little horse and his throat scratchy, he was fine. He glanced at their clasped hands and couldn’t help but feel bad. “I’m sorry, Seongh--”

“No, don’t be. I don’t need you to be sorry. Maybe ok, definitely safe but never to be sorry so don’t.”

“Hwa,” he whined with a pout.

“No.”

“B-but, please listen?” He blinked too painfully slow for Seonghwa’s heart to handle. It was uncalled for, combined with that effortlessly sugary timber.

“Fine.” Seonghwa couldn’t even bring himself to look away. “Of course I will.”

Yeosang, however, lowered his gaze to Seonghwa’s collarbone.

He wasn’t obliged to give an explanation like Seonghwa had said. He couldn’t give one even if it was demanded from him. Not an explanation and not a repayment, just being there in his best form. Being him in a way he wouldn’t feel bad for or regret after a short while. He wasn’t one to make promises he was sure were impossible to keep so telling Seonghwa that he will tell him everything was a lie. He couldn’t make out the limits of his honesty or how much of it was required from him but he could count on his guts to tell him what he shouldn’t keep for himself if he felt bad about doing as such.

“There--” He closed his eyes for a moment to recollect his thoughts. “There are things that I can’t tell anyone about just yet because I am incapable of finding the words to start. These.. things, they burden me and I don’t trust that I can handle them anymore as they have gotten uglier than I imagined.” He met Seonghwa’s open gaze and all his eyes were screaming was just how worried Seonghwa was about him, how much he cared for him. There was undoubtedly fear but it was all for him. “I hate to say this I-- I don’t..”

“You wish for them to be no more.”

“I don’t want them, Seonghwa.” His breath hitched.

Seonghwa smiled bitterly, like his own words tasted of rottenness in his own mouth. “I know, love. Oh how I know, Sangie.” He tucked a golden strand of Yeosang’s hair behind his ear delicately and kept his gaze on his face. “It must have been so hard for you to go through it all on your own. I could only watch you struggle without being able to help since you were adamant on keeping everyone at arms length but never close enough.”

“I apologize for being such an asshole to you. I didn’t know any better. I couldn’t tell you even if I wanted to.”

“And I will be right here once you’re ready. I won’t be going anywhere so take your time. Be sure that you are never alone.” Seonghwa smiled at him. Before Yeosang could respond there was a knock on the door. They both turned to see Hongjoong standing with a puzzled look on his face and a mop of disheveled hair atop his head. 

“Can you tell me why Wooyoung is eagle spread on the couch while you two lovebirds are chatting away at six in the morning?”

Yeosang glanced at his best friend’s bed so quickly that he physically felt his neck break.  
“Ahh..” He squeezed his eyes shut and gasped as the pain traveled lower. His hand came up to sooth the pain but Seonghwa batted it away, opting to nuzzle his neck and pepper kisses on his skin all the way to his shoulder.

Hongjoong left at that, throwing a “fucking disgusting” that no one heard or cared enough to.

“Hwa, I’m not dying.” Yeosang squirmed, giggling when the soft press of Seonghwa’s lips on his skin tickled him. The eldest pulled away, narrowing his eyes and reached out to his face.

“Then why are you crying?” He wiped at his temples and leaned in to kiss his tears away. “It must have hurt, baby bunny.”

“It did a little.” He sniffled. Seonghwa hummed.

“But hyung kissed it away. Right, beautiful?” He tilted his head quizzically.

Yeosang nodded. “Hyungie did.” Seonghwa laughed at how adorable Yeosang was being, even going for verbal confirmation when he could barely stifle a yawn.

“You’re so good for me, angel.” Yeosang’s sleepy eyes sparkled at that. Seonghwa just needed to tip him over that edge and he’ll have a pliant Yeosang in his hands. It was more important to him to take care of his lost sleep and growling stomach.  
He smiled at the sleepy boy nuzzling his hand. “Hungry, Hwa..” He planted a last kiss on Yeosang’s forehead before standing up from the bed.

He could take care of that.

**Author's Note:**

> Saying that Yeosang's lips are pink is a sad excuse of a description, I gave up there since I can't with that part of him.
> 
> I hope you made it through all of that without hating me. I intend to write maybe a short follow-up chapter where there is only and actually fluff and other related ones for a complete story but for now, this one chapter will stand alone.
> 
> Tell me what you think in the comments or just scream at me for doing a terrible job on twitter, the @ is nugdaekkung and I need friends /sad cat noises
> 
> *
> 
> I'm updating this note after a while to tell you guys that there is indeed a follow-up chapter that is a part 2 of the Inured series. I've also started with the part 3, a multi-chaptered mess with 2 chapters so far. The three parts are related and come one after the other so if you are interested after reading this work, you can continue reading on.


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